A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.