A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

I am speechless: I have no speech