A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.