We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

But I don't want to be a pirate!

I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of the news programs. Don't these idiots who run the news programs know we don't want to read? That's why we're watching TV.

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?