We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

You know why dogs have no money? No pockets. 'Cause they see change on the street all the time and it's driving them crazy. When you're walking them, he is always looking up at you. "There's a quarter...."

I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?