We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.