I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.