What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'

Why does McDonald's have to count every burger that they sell? What is their ultimate goal? Do they want cows to surrender voluntarily?

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?