These pretzels are making me thirsty!

I mean, she's giving and caring and genuinely concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.

Can't you at least die with a little dignity?

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.