These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.