The best revenge is living well.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big. That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later.

We're all trying to get to the same island — whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive, it doesn't matter. What matters is when the red light goes on.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind