Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."