You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'