That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.