That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.