If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

When people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.