Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

It took me a long time to understand not to get caught up in other people's expectations. It really comes down to creative fulfillment. It took me a while to realize I don't want to just be on a show to be on a show.

I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.

The whole idea of celebrity is flattering - it helps you get into restaurants and stuff - but once you obtain some creative fulfillment, which you do on a nightly basis as a comedian, it's hard to give that up just to be the wacky neighbor on a show.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!