I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.