I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.