I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?

What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.

You look like a diabetic strip club owner.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.

My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.