God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.

When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.