God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.

The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.