God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.

That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.

I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.