I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.