I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"