Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.