Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I don't see myself as offending people.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?