Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.