Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."