Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it