Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.