Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.