Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.