It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.