Jimmy Carr Quotes

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

I may be middle class, but I'm hard. 'Al dente', you could say.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

Women were quite terrifying until I was older. I think that's partly down to confidence.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I don't see myself as offending people.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.

It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

Say what you want about the deaf.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.

Throwing acid is wrong... in some people's eyes.

A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."

Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in god is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except labradors.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.