I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.