I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

I am trying to release endorphins here. I am not preaching to you - I am trying to make you laugh.

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.