I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

How many airports are there in the world?

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"