As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.