As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

Say what you want about the deaf.