As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.