In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

All comedians are a bit attention-seeking and I'm no different. Anyone with the audacity to want to be listened to for an hour and a half must be.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.