In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.