After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

I don't see myself as offending people.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.