People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.
Joan RiversValentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
Joan RiversThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
Joan RiversGod always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan RiversI've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.
Joan Rivers