You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
Joan RiversRussell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
Joan RiversWhy should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan RiversMel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.
Joan RiversThere are many self-help books by Ph.D.s, but I hold a different degree: an I.B.T.I.A.-I've Been Through It All. This degree comes not on parchment but gauze, and it entitles me to tell you that there is a way to get through any misfortune.
Joan RiversOn her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan RiversHere's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
Joan RiversA child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
Joan RiversI can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Joan RiversThe first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
Joan RiversIf you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
Joan RiversThe fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan RiversI was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."
Joan RiversI have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.
Joan RiversI was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
Joan RiversDon't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan RiversI started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.
Joan RiversMy love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Joan RiversI've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
Joan RiversShow business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
Joan RiversI've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited! If I ever saw the invitation, I'd use it as toilet paper.
Joan RiversYou know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan RiversI don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan RiversThe fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
Joan RiversI was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
Joan RiversSomehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.
Joan RiversI hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan RiversBoth of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
Joan RiversI always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
Joan Riversif you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan RiversIf two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan RiversWelcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan RiversThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.
Joan Rivers[On plastic surgery:] My motto is: 'Anything that can be lifted should be lifted. Anything that falls should be caught. And try to catch any falling stuff before it hits the ground.
Joan Rivers