If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.