I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Can we talk?

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.