If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.

I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.