I’m never without a bandage.

At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.