Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

I was not an attractive child.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.