I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.

I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.