She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.

Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.

A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.