We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.

I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.