We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I was my own buddy in camp.

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.