We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

What could be nicer than to have three horrible children behind you in an airplane, and the next set, you go onstage and you talk about how much you despise the children and what you would like to do to them on an airplane? That's the only time I would gladly take a terrorist on. It'd be worth it to get rid of these children.

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.