Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.

Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.