My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.