My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.