My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.