My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.

Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.