I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.