Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

Two is company; three is fifty bucks.

She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.

Grandchildren can be annoying - how many times can you go: "And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink"? It's like talking to a supermodel.