Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.