Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.

But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'