But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.

No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.