People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked'.

The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.

What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.