People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.

Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.