People are arguing whether Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ" is anti-semitic. Well, whether it is or it isn't, it doesn't matter, because I've been in touch with his accounting firm, Rosencrantz, Levy and Stern, and they're screwing him out of his profits.

The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.

old age' is always ten years more than we are.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.