I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.

Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.