I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.

I drink to forget I drink.