I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.