I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.