Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.