Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.