You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.

I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.