I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.

I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.