I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

I always wake up at the crack of ice.

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.

I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.

Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.