I drink to forget I drink.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.

Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.

I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.

I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.