They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.

There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.

Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.

A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.

It pays to get drunk with the best people.