I think stand is better now than it's ever been. I think it's the greatest time ever to do standup comedy.

There's a confidence and a mental toughness that comes from the very highest level of competition, whatever the sport is. Whether it's boxing or wrestling, or whatever.

Maybe we can combine 2 things that everybody loves. Helping out the poor and blow jobs.

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

I don't care if you're gay, black, Chinese, straight. That means nothing to me. It's all an illusion.

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.